Published October 13, 2007
i fell on the bed. my feet were running, but i stayed in one place.
your eyes turned to pieces,
and i wished i'd never been born,
because life can't go on in slow motion,
nothing ever changing, nobody ever leaving your mind.
and with the years of seconds that passed,
you couldn't possibly understand how
my head felt soft, and i wanted to cry.
if only you would hit my face, make it bleed, and feel nothing but the skin
contacting your fingers. i would be so real. i would be
so
real.
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141,251 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
I actually liked this.
Yes you had absolutely no grammar and everything. But if you ignore that and look at the actual poem and read and understand the emotions then it's nice.
It can definetly be a lot better, but it's still ok.
Good luck with future writings!
Lots O' Luv,
Lindsay
Okay, first of all, your grammar is non-existen here. You need to capitalise i.
I didn't get this line.
I think this should be-
If only you would hit my face, make it bleed,
And feel nothing but the skin contacting your fingers (This is a great line)
I would be so real.
I would be so real.
I liked what you were saying in this. I know almost nothing about drugs, but don't they send you on a high, not make you want to die?
I liked it because, you showed emotion, what you wanted to feel. What you didn't feel. What the character is going through. I mean I'm not an expert, but then again who is?
Hope this helps. Best of Luck, keep writing!!!
-Max
Don't forget to capitalize the pronoun I.
Honestly? I didn't like it. There isn't any imagery to it, and I don't feel anything. It doesn't really make sense, and I can't tell what you are writing about. What do you want your reader to feel? What do you want your reader to see, think about, wonder about? What are you trying to express?
It's one of those poems that only the writer would understand. You have to connect with yourself, and with the reader. I'm not sure what I suggest you should do with it, because I'm not even sure what it is about, so I couldn't tell you how to fix it.